aqumada

"God is dead!" declared the late 19^th century philosopher, Friedrich Nietzsche, in one of his famous writings. Personally, I don't have the heart to make as bold a statement as that because it would indicate an indirect admission that god was alive in the first place. I would then have to seriously.........well, let's leave that to the imagination since this article is meant to be about mental illness and not about god. My intention was to slip in my own simple declaration that God is a communist as well - not in the cheery theoretical sense of communism but in its real world applicability where endless divisions of labor are created to function with deliberate incompetence. Take for example the angel Raphael, the rainmaker according to Ethiopian orthodoxy, who has been doing such a lousy job as the famous poet, Mengistu Lema, once noted:

Similarly, the hospital in Addis dedicated to treating mental illness is named "Amanuel" which leads me to believe St. Emanuel is in charge of the mental faculties (FYI: the institution in charge of causing mental illness in Addis is called EPRDF which, to my knowledge, has no relation to St. EPRDF). If St. Emanuel is really in charge, I think he should get demoted during the next round of job evaluations or he better concoct a good story to explain how in god's name George Bush became the leader of the free world.

The classic form of "crazy" is what we call schizophrenia and one notable feature of its many symptoms is hallucinations; the hallucination that we are winning the war in Iraq, for example, or prime minister Meles' hallucination that genocide was committed by CUD leaders (privately, I always knew professor Mesfin's cane would turn into a deadly weapon one day. So I am happy that fucker ended up in Kaliti before he killed any more teenagers).

Let me preface by saying mental illness only affects those that have a mind and I have had a natural immunity to the disease since birth. On the other hand, most Ethiopians have acquired immunity to mental illness by taking "the mind is not really such a terrible thing to waste" vaccine or stance. Be that as it may, the number of people suffering from a metal disorder is a staggering 28%. Oh, wait, that statistic is for the U.S. In Ethiopia the prevalence of mental disorders is..........Ok, once and for all let it be known, the aqumada blog will not lower its standards by checking such things as statistics, facts or evidence. We have found it very essential to follow our gut feelings and our gut feelings tell us Americans are really fucked up, so the Ethiopian number has to be less than 28%. A good number to agree on would be 14%, not for any logical reason but since it is half of 28%. However, when you include the statistical outliers (sane looking crazy people who thought democracy in Ethiopia was a possibility) then we stand at a prevalence of 17% (if you want to cross check our gut feelings, please see Social Science Medicine. 1991;32(2):197-201). Considering an average Ethiopian family unit to have 6 individuals, a prevalence rate of 17% means at least one person in every family holds a membership to the crazy club. So how can you tell who it is? Sprinkle some holy water on the suspected individual and see if the evil spirit comes out of their body (if you have never seen what an evil spirit looks like, I can forward you my picture).

In the western world they use something called DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual, AKA the psychiatrist's bible) to tell who is crazy and who is not. It is a huge manual that has the listing, description and criteria for all the mental disorders we are aware of. As we fabricate new mental disorders or as we become aware of them (Ex: ADHD, temporary insanity etc...) the manual gets updated and gets even thicker. Currently we are on the fourth volume of DSM and interestingly, despite my attempt to give you the biased impression, schizophrenic disorders (AKA crazy, cuckoo, insane, nut) are only a small portion of it. That indicates the existence of myriad forms of mental disorders with names just as spooky as schizophrenia (somatoform disorders, gender identity disorders, impulse disorders, mood disorders, anxiety disorders etc...) eagerly waiting to mess us up. My personal favorite is "personality disorders" which allows me to classify every chick that has ever turned me down (that would be about 99% of ‘em) into one of the clusters.

It would be impossible to discuss even half of the disorders in this forum so I will arbitrarily choose to address mood disorders because I am in the mood to do so. The easiest way to understand mood disorders is to look at my crappy graph below.

As you can see, at one end we have mania and at the other end we have depression. Between these opposite ends or poles we have normalcy as defined by society (i.e. making love with the lights off, going to church on Sundays, shopping for crap you don't need, watching American idol, talking about "sex and the city" by the water cooler etc...). If you are not doing the aforementioned, congratulations! You have just found out who in your family is suffering from a mental illness. If you are fortunate, you may only have one disorder but some folks suffer multiple disorders all compiled into one. If you've ever heard someone being described as a bipolar, it means the person has extreme fluctuations in mood between mania and depression (the two poles and hence bi-polar). These folks need medications like lithium to remain in normalcy. Everyone has their daily highs and lows so unless you are a trained psychiatrist it may be hard to tell what constitutes mania and depression.

When people experience mania, they sleep very little (2 to 3 hours), they will have an elevated opinion of themselves (they may say they are a prophet, god, god's messenger or somehow relate themselves to historically famous people etc...), they have so many thoughts going through their mind making it difficult for anyone to follow their train of thought and last but not least they tend to get involved in potentially dangerous activities such as gambling, reckless driving and SEXUAL PROMISCUITY. This is why you will find me looking for manic chicks every time I go out to the clubs. Incidentally my newest opening line also happens to be "hey beautiful, are you on a low lithium diet."

Depression is much more subtle to identify unless you are the person suffering from it. Everyone gets depressed from time to time depending on specific events that are taking place in our lives but major depression completely stops you in your track to the point of thinking life is not worth living anymore. Even getting out of bed becomes a meaningless chore and you stop caring about things that used to make you happy (including sex if it ever made you happy). Your appetite may go out the window together with your energy and recurring thoughts of suicide may creep in. Most Abesha folks won't seek treatment as they have grown up thinking of mental illness as taboo that should never be discussed. If the depressed person confides in an Abesha friend, he/she will most likely get the common response of "snap out of it buddy." If only it was that easy. Consider this. If you are suffering from mania, the risky activities you do will be signals to those close to you or to authorities so they can get you help before you reach the point of self destruction. In most cases of major depression, we find out the person was depressed only after the suicide has been committed.

Depression used to be the number one reason for suicides but due to the recent surge in anti-American sentiment it may have been surpassed by suicide bombings (I hope y'all realize I am making this shit up as I go). It is very alarming how fast the world population is increasing and we may need people to check out from planet earth a bit sooner than before but it is really sad to witness depression taking another life when it is so treatable. Not only that but since I have invested heavily in these medications, your death is directly affecting my finances (did you not read how much in debt I am).

By the way, the line on the graph between mania and normal represents a mood referred to as "hypomania" which is a great state to be in. Some of the most productive people in history are thought to have been hypomanics (ex-President Clinton was definitely one such person, if you know what I mean). The line between normal and depression represents the mood called dysthymia. It refers to a depression that is not severe enough to be classified as a major depressive disorder.

The great mood I was in when I started writing this has disappeared completely. I am so outta here.

I need to go find me a manic chick.

Ciao.