FREE LUNCH
As mentioned in a previous blog, before NYC I dated women from other cultures. What amazed me was how selfish some people are! Before I write anything, I will emphatically say I am not cheap!!! By many, I am actually considered a giver (also addressed in a prior blog). Forgive me, but I cannot stand it when I go on a date and the other person doesn't even attempt to pay. Make it like sex-fake it! At least act like you are reaching for your purse. In America, we are entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness not a shrimp cocktail, lobster, napoleon for desert and a chocolate martini. The worst is when a woman asks you out on a date and pulls this "looking-down-when-the-bill-comes" stunt. The next time someone pulls this stunt I'll mention that "they actually placed the bill on the table but I'll put it on the ground if your neck pain prevents you from looking up." There is a saying that women who take advantage of men like this are out for a "free lunch."
In my endless love for abesha women, I am enthralled by their non-sexual generosity. The scene is classic: 2 abeshoch-1 male and 1 female--in front of a movie theater at 8:30PM, loud, screaming, pushing and shoving, arguing over who's going to pay for the 8PM movie. "Embee, Abaye yemoot, becherash atkeflem." "Ereffe." Embarrassing for those not familiar with our generosity but comforting for those far from home. I am most proud of this selflessness that we project. It's one of the things that makes us special. Remarkably this covers so many other aspects of life: gifts, cab fare, coffee, even dinner. . . . .
A few years ago, I met this amazing Abesha girl (where else but in D.C. on New Year's). We kept in touch talking on the phone like school kids. I really was into her-writing poetry, gushing with complements, and pretending really hard to listen. I even flew out to visit her. In the midst of my infatuation with her and in gratitude of her hospitality for me, a stranger she had only met recently, I decided to cook for her. In my mind it sounded like a great idea. After all, she cooked for me when I first arrived. Plus, I was so confident that after tasting the only good dish I make together with some liquor, she'd be moved so much maybe her panties would come off. Calculating? Thank you.
So I borrowed her car and went grocery shopping-picked out the ingredients and a good bottle of wine. A funny thing happened during the execution of this masterful meal and more masterful plan: I think we switched genders. It was a weekend of NFL playoffs and I was hoping to finish cooking in time to watch the game. But my Mother never let me in the kitchen as a kid, so every meal is a long production. So, I was missing the game in the kitchen of this girl's place and I had to ask for scores every ten minutes. I peaked into the living room and there she was: legs propped on the table, glass of wine in hand-with the blasphemous comment that she "could get used to this." Sunova beeyatch!!!! I was mad! Did she know which teams were playing, where they were playing or even how to throw a football??!!! I was going to ask if she could spell football before I realized I couldn't. Right then, I immediately realized God's divine plan-there was a reason why through evolution men diverged further and further away from the kitchen-because all else we, as men, hold dear would be slowly taken away from us: leisure, arguing, sleeping, and TV. But I digress . . . .Anyway the meal got done, she loved it, and we had a special night.
Later, this girl visited me for Valentine's Day. I had all these elaborate plans for dining and all this girl wanted was me to do was to cook for her. I was offering the finest meals across the City (Queen of Sheba restaurant), and all she wanted were some more home cooked meals. I tried to deliver another recipe, this one much fancier, and of course . . . I almost gave her salmonella. Why did she feel entitled to another meal? Why did she want me cooking when the Knicks were playing (that was a big deal when they were better)? Giving her a salmonella infection would only be fair (imagine if it had been Super Bowl Sunday). What was worse-this girl refused to ever cook again. It was like I had opened Pandora's box and life would never be the same.
This theme of reluctance to cook for men once they have cooked for you is a unique phenomenon. I don't mind splitting the responsibility . . . but what makes cooking so special to women that once someone volunteers to do it for you, it becomes a watershed moment? I had this experience reoccur a few times with Abesha and nonabesha women. And I am left baffled . . . and now reluctant to expose women to my adoration and pampering.
Recently, I met a great girl who told me "the way to my heart is through my stomach." Well, guess what? I thought it was the way past the pants. Regardless, I think I'm going to find another way. Because whether at a restaurant or at home, a free lunch is a free lunch.
You said "the worst is when women ask you out . . ." Abesha women never ask a guy out so the girl that asked you out and started looking at the floor when the bill came must have been when you weres still dating non abesha women. As you clearly pointed out I find most abeshas (men and women) will insist on paying even if they didn't eat a single bite. This has been my experience and as you well know it couldn't be the wegesha charm. (Comment this)
Sooooooo sick of Abesh men’s mail chauvinistic pens.
Yblagn lenante …enji egnas….. the entire world love Abesh women. (Comment this)
Sayebela yeker…
We, women, feed our family everyday, with out bragging. We don’t hold the person who eat our food in contempt either. Basically, we don’t hate….we just appreciate.
Here is women sensitivity course 101 dedicated to Women’s day.
1) Treat women the way you want to be treated.
2) Never refer to a woman as a girl.
3) Never use the “B” word.
yeketelal (Comment this)
Let me start by assuming that you are a dating machine and have gone out with about a hundred different abesha women. That ,being very impressive, still doesn't qualify you to talk about "abesah women." All Abesaha women are not all the same. Even if all the 100 women you dated treated you the same way they don't represent all abesah women. And what this woman asked of you wasn’t that difficult. She asked you to cook for her once! So I think the problems lies with you. Not with the women.
If all you are worried about when you are with this "amazing" woman is the football score or about the pitiful Nicks, you have big problems brother. I always cook for my man not because I expect him to cook for me in return I do it because I love him. And he does many, many things to make me happy. Yes he has missed soccer, football, and basketball games for me. All for good reason (valentine, birthdays…) after all there is always another game isn't there? Also I always pay when I ask a man out (yes abesah women do ask men out) and if he asks me out I expect him to pay as well. Choma, stop generalizing and look at women as individuals. I promise you will be a lot happier.
(Comment this)
It is so obvious from your writing that you guys have very little respect for women.
It is so disappointed to read derogatory and male chauvinistic remarks by educated Ethiopian men.
Yeblegn lenatochachu ena lehitochachu…… mistochchu, if you ever get one --- will divorce your behind…..
PS: When you call me shefafa, you are saying the same thing about yourself and your........ (Comment this)
1) WIll someone respond to my point, not a tangential detail to make this story entertaining. Just address my point.
2) I have cooked more than one meal. My point was once someone offers, there is no reasonable balance to be attained. Anyone directing comments at me should do at those men that don't even offer. Do I deserve a metal of honor 4 my "sacrifice."? Obviously no. Are the expectations of Abesha women so low that when a man does cook for you, you act like it's free money and try to get as much as possible? I hope not.
3) Of all the people that have responded, who's had a man cook for them. If you answer yes, how is the balance? When you do get him to cook, what goes through your mind? Do you say thank you? I don't expect anyone to cook for me so when they do, I am very grateful and I will show her my thanks--by cooking, attention, or affection.
4) What makes my article chauvenistic? Generalized, probably. No definitely. Legitimate? Possibly. I am probably more liberal and respectful than the s-curl-wearing-chumps half of my blog critics are dating/engaged/cheating on/married to. I am asking a question that none of you have an answer to. Unless you are afraid to explore your own strengths and weaknesses.
5) I really love so much about the culture and people, I ask for your help in better understanding the psyche of an abesha woman.
6) I alone am responsible for my thought-provoking and controversial blogs, so please do not hold either yekolotemari or wegesha accountable.
(Comment this)
So you don't want it to be assumed that you'll pay for a meal (and of course, if the woman is expected to magderder you, about 1/2 the time she'll end up paying . From personal experience, if I let a person pay then I keep a mental note and make sure I win the ere-bakih-bakish game the next time). So you want a 'modern' woman.
At the same time you don't want it to be assumed that you'll cook for her on a regular basis, or even *once* a year - on Valentine's Day. So you're a 'traditional' man.
Basically you want the best of all worlds ... to have your cake and eat it too.
So what exactly is it that men in your universe do, besides being cooked for AND getting offers to pay for dating expenses (and inevitably having it paid)? What should a woman expect from a ‘typical’ Ethiopian man in America?
Yekolo,
I thought of rebuffing one of the previous articles on women. It's hard to make a sensible argument because it can only go down a few futile routes
a) Argue that women are not like ‘that’ - but hard to do that since I will only be making more sweeping generalizations to counter somebody else’s sweeping generalizations, and what good with that do?
b) Write a similar article about men - but that can't be done either, because I've met Abesha men of all types. And to pick on some bad ones will be to shame my memory of those other, even if very few, wonderful men that have crossed my path. Yeah, I've met some werq habesha men (including those who cooked me breakfast on Sunday mornings and Valentines Day) … so I'll leave it at that.
I can’t label my reaction to Choma's and Wegasha's articles as being angry or offended. I don't think their articles say much about women. For one thing, I know the profiles do describe me, or habesha women I know. However, the articles do describe Choma and Wegesha themselves in great detail. I find both men to be funny and rational on topics that do not relate to women. Well, they’re still funny on topics of women. In fact, if I were to take their articles solely for their humor factor, then they’re good articles.
But if I was to take what they write seriously, then there’s something disturbingly incoherent about it. I am in my mid twenties, and I have had my share of failed relationships. I’d be hard pressed to believe that my dating or lack of, situation is less dire than these two young (sounding) men. These guys are somewhere between bitter and jaded, or possibly both. From my perspective, their frustrations are a result of their unfaltering, unwavering expectations of women. They seem embrace change, but they don’t want to change themselves. There’s a very basic element to a relationship called ‘compromise’. I’m yet to see the accommodating side of their personalities coming through in their articles on women. You see, if the mountain will not come to Mohammed, Mohammed will go to the mountain. I think Chom & Wegesha are waiting for Ras Dejen tenkebalo iskiwerd. Well …
On a final note, Choma, Wegesha … apologies for writing part of this in third person, I started writing to Yeqolo and didn’t know where my response was going. Now I’m too lazy go back and edit. (Comment this)